Dad Jokes

One-liners

1. Ugh, dude, I wanted to go on a diet… but I feel like I just have too much on my plate right now.
2. I’m worried for this calendar… because it seems like its days are numbered.
3. I rubbed ketchup in my eyes… and now I got Heinz-sight.
4. If you get robbed at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
5. I was addicted to hokey pokey… but then I turned myself around.

Questions

1. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
2. What do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary? A thesaurus.
3. What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake.
4. What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid.
5. What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot? Mitosis.
6. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
7. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
8. Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? Because they’ll crack themselves up.
9. Do you know why I bring two pairs of pants when I golf? In case I get a hole in one.
10. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
11. Did you know french fries aren’t cooked in France? They are cooked in Greece.
12. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet… How come? I don’t know “Y.”
13. Why doesn’t “Where’s Waldo” go to the gym? Because no one can spot him.